Today is the day before I leave the square world to cry for my vision, hanblecheyapi. I am excited and ready for the opportunity further my understanding and clarity of my life's vision. This will be my second year of Vision Quest.
I feel much more ready for it this year than last. I feel that I have many more teachings and new understanding this year that will enable me to be even more open to whatever Creator has to show me.
I am absolutely exhausted from preparing for this Vision. Deadlines for school have had me in a hurry. Work has been an emotional drain. We lost a friend and coworker on Friday the 19th. Miles was killed by a car while riding his motorcycle to work in Florida Canyon.
I feel emotionally and physically drained. My stomach hurts this morning and I feel weak. I am contemplating calling out of work today as a result of it. I do not want to shirk my responsibility to my job, but I don't know if I can hang tough again today.
I am even finding writing this blog difficult. In an effort to give my mind a break, I'll keep it short.
My intention for hanblecheyapi is to remain open. And open I shall be, I am a raw nerve.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Lately I feel like a vessel containing radioactive toxins.
Sometimes my emotions burn so much that I feel their physical manifestation, their heat, radiating from my pores. They come on slowly at first, until they ruminate to the point where my body becomes too small a home for them to reside in.
These "toxins" generally consist of: Sadness, anger, resentment, desperation, embarrassment, and hurt. When they rear their woeful heads my face gets hot, my stomach clamps down, my whole body feels like its preparing for an epic battle. Yet, the only things that results from this "lock down" are tears, or sometimes nothing at all. Nothing to the point where there is not a thought in my head, like I've disappeared out some emotional escape hatch. But the feelings are always there...always.
No matter how many times I scream and cry and acknowledge my darknesses, they still remain. And I remain confused as to how to permanently sever them from my body and mind. Even as I write this, and I am reminded of my trials and tribulations, my throat tightens, and I grow weary from the burden.
I am sick to death of getting "advice" from other people, even those I go to for spiritual teachings. Every one's experience is different, and I just can't see how any one person could possibly have truly meaningful advice on the experiences of another person. They can give that advice to the best of their own experience, but the reality is that they can ONLY give perspective from their own experience.
Am I making sense?
All the talking and advice giving and getting I've been doing throughout my lifetime feels stifling now. The thought of it feels suffocating.
Perhaps it is because I yearn to see and define my life through my own experience.
Sometimes my emotions burn so much that I feel their physical manifestation, their heat, radiating from my pores. They come on slowly at first, until they ruminate to the point where my body becomes too small a home for them to reside in.
These "toxins" generally consist of: Sadness, anger, resentment, desperation, embarrassment, and hurt. When they rear their woeful heads my face gets hot, my stomach clamps down, my whole body feels like its preparing for an epic battle. Yet, the only things that results from this "lock down" are tears, or sometimes nothing at all. Nothing to the point where there is not a thought in my head, like I've disappeared out some emotional escape hatch. But the feelings are always there...always.
No matter how many times I scream and cry and acknowledge my darknesses, they still remain. And I remain confused as to how to permanently sever them from my body and mind. Even as I write this, and I am reminded of my trials and tribulations, my throat tightens, and I grow weary from the burden.
I am sick to death of getting "advice" from other people, even those I go to for spiritual teachings. Every one's experience is different, and I just can't see how any one person could possibly have truly meaningful advice on the experiences of another person. They can give that advice to the best of their own experience, but the reality is that they can ONLY give perspective from their own experience.
Am I making sense?
All the talking and advice giving and getting I've been doing throughout my lifetime feels stifling now. The thought of it feels suffocating.
Perhaps it is because I yearn to see and define my life through my own experience.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Madness and Sanity
Crazy bitch, psycho, lunatic among others. These are the things that women in our society are so easily labeled. A burst of emotion, especially in connection with a lover, is almost immediatley deemed an act of lunacy, where she becomes incapable of reason and prone to acts of irrationality. These leaps of judgement are detrimental and pervasive. Both sexes are guilty of committing them. These man-on-woman, and woman-on-woman trespasses have become a common occurrence. Men are socalized to not be emotional, therefore their own emotions are discounted and they are forced to eschew emotion. But, we all experience the same fluctuations of emotion. Fluctuations that are sometimes seen as the framework of madness. The antithesis of sanity. But truly, madness and sanity are relative. Interlaced with each other on the loom of life, some fibers alternately rising above others creating an undulation of clarity and despair. All humans fall into the fabric of the loom, woven into its ascendancy, grasping at threads of thought and time.
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