Holidays

I hate them.
I have grown disdainful of the fact that people need specific days of the year to implement "family" time. And even those days end up being stressful and irritating.
Why do people need one specific day of the year to be thankful? Shouldn't we learn to be thankful 365 days of the year? Rather than just one day which ends up being ineffective due to the fact that Thanksgiving is a holiday where those who can afford to, (and those who can't go bankrupt trying...) gorge themselves selfishly on meat and fats? The sheer gluttony of the holiday should indicate the irony in its "give thanks" aim, let alone the fact that it is a holiday that arose from a time where our beloved white ancestors were busy decimating a nation people.
And then after Gluttony day we have Giftmas. What a holiday THAT has become! Instead of gorging ourselves with food we covet and buy material items...Yet another opportunity to practice our selfishness. Way-to-go, Christians!
It's true that not everyone indulges in all aforementioned aspects of these holidays. Many don't celebrate them at all and some of the ones that do, may try to keep their intentions true. But my other grudge with the "holidays" is the stress that they bring about. Just in general. People are frantically running around "preparing" for these holidays and they get GRUMPY. And they yell at each other. And they guilt trip their family members into spending the holidays with them. And they spend lots of money to get ready for all this, which makes them even crankier. People are not nice to each other this time of the year. And that fact alone makes the irony unbearable for me.
Even my own friends who I've opted to share Thanksgiving with (rather than my own dramatic family) are not communicating or appreciative of the hard work that goes into preparing a meal.
I work full time.
I go to school full time.
My heart is aching.
And now people I considered close friends, suck.
And so here I am, becoming the cranky people I just spoke of. Yahoo, another successful Thanksgiving.
I give up.

It's been a long week, and it's only Tuesday.

Yes, this week has been a long one. And yes, it's only Tuesday. There have been many sensitive, exciting, difficult topics that have come up in the past few days. Death, school, plans for the future, topics of study that bring up buried memories, trials of the heart. You name it, it has probably touched my life in some way in the past few days.

Lets start with death. I had a mutual friend shoot himself on Sunday. While I have a lot of personal experience with death, it always seems to knock me "three bubbles left of center" (as Hawk, my spiritual teacher and Lakota elder would say) for a bit. I have a foundation in place to deal with death and enable me to help others deal with it as they need it. That does not mean however, that I do not feel any guilt for the fact that I had been avoiding this person's calls for the past year or so. He had always been a very troubled man and a few years ago we took a romantic interest in each other. The only thing that ever developed out of this interest were late night insomniac phone calls and my deciding that his intensity terrified me and that I had better not get involved. So I never did. Whenever he would contact me I would often not reply or not answer the phone. In retrospect, there is a part of me that wishes that I would have answered. Wishes I would have took the initiative to get him help. And in the very least wishes that I had just thrown him into an Inipi. I know full well that guilt does not serve anyone. And so it is because of this that I focus my thoughts and energies on his close friends. They are the ones who will be needing help and love now, not him. And from now on, I will always answer.

Next, lets address my plans for the future. I have been thinking a lot lately about joining Peace Corp after I graduate in a year. It is something that excites me, empowers me, and scares me all at once. I feel a healing power within me that just keeps getting stronger and stronger with time. I know that, though limited, the culmination of my experience has the possibility of helping others. It is this knowledge that draws me toward this plan for my future. For, I realize that the future is not just mine, but that it is shared with the rest of humanity. It is this fact that implores me to behave as such.

There are various reasons for these feelings coming to a head. My personal experiences and growth have always called for action. And my experiences as of late have just brought it to the surface once again. The trials and tribulations of my heart that I have been experiencing and taking part in are one reason for the current culminating effects. I am in love with a man 14 years older than I. And in any ways we are amazingly suited for each other. But, the problem we keep coming back to is his belief that I have not yet had enough life experience to be settling down with someone better than a decade older than myself. In many ways I disagree. I have always been experienced beyond my years and I know that I have a very old soul. But in some ways he is absolutely correct. I have not yet taken the chance to explore the world in ways that I have dreamed of. As a youngster, I dreamed of traveling the world and helping people. As I have grown up I have come to realize that this is something that is well within my abilities, and everything that I have been experiencing in the past year has further convinced me of this fact. I will always love this man, and remain thankful for the self realizations I've obtained in his presence, and perhaps with time we will be able to work out our relationship. The only way I will ever truly be happy in a relationship is if I am able to truly be happy with myself. And denying my life callings is the furthest thing from obtaining that.

Lastly, as if creator knew that I might need an extra kick in the butt, the topics we have been discussing in my Women's Studies classes yesterday and today have been difficult ones. I already know a lot about violence against women and the tragedies it causes. But, due to my already emotional state, tonight something clicked. We were talking a lot about rape and aggression and battering. I have always felt like a survivor of physical and verbal abuse because my step father ruled with a heavy fist and a tongue that cut like glass. Surviving a childhood where you felt forced to tell stories as to why you had a black eye or did not show up to school last week because your emotional exhaustion had finally caught up with your health, was an all to common experience for me. I've always known that I am a stronger person today because of surviving this. I grew up, moved out, separated myself from the monster that ruled our family and thought that I lived a life happily ever after. Which is why I felt blindsided when my psyche decided to remind me that no, everything was not happily ever after. I had never really thought about the fact that when I was in my late teens (18 or 19), I had been raped a party. How could someone as strong as I be one of those women who blamed themselves for being raped? I realize now that being black out drunk and disoriented was no excuse for anyone to harm me. I knew that then too, but I was too ashamed and scared of what my friends at the time would have thought. So, it has remained locked up in my psyche for some time. Watching V Day, the documentary on the Vagina Monologues and the effort to end the violence against women, I was reminded of something I had known all along, that things similar to what I had experienced and much, much worse, happen to women everywhere.

If the fuel for my "make change in the world" fire had not been enough before, after the past few days, you better believe that now it's raging. You see, I can't simply be "mad" at the state of the world and create a permanent crease in my brow. Focusing on the problems will be my one-way ticket to a lifetime of unhappiness and probably the mad house. I need to instead focus on the solutions. I need to focus on the good and positive things that I can give back to this world. I need to unfurrow my brow and keep the smile on my face and show the world just what it means to touch people's lives and make a difference in this world.

I am in love with life. I am in love with the world. I am in love with my loved ones: my man, my family, my friends, myself. It is all of this love that keeps my fire burning. It is this fire that I trust to take me where I need to go.
Aho, mitakuye oyasin.

Fuck.
We've failed.
Failed miserably.
Yet another failiure to add to my reportiore.
Another example of inability to communicate.
Throwing our hearts against a wall again.
Beating them into the dirty floor
So that we can step back and think
"Hmm my work here is done.
I've sufficiently ruined another relationship.
Love be damned and if you aren't, then I'll do it for you!"
Fuck
We've failed.
Failed again.
Not even our friendship escaped the wrath of our baggage.
I don't even want to talk to you
Yet, I yearn to talk to you
To be with you
Free from the juxtaposition of our pasts.
I'm sick, sick again.
By body manifests my sick soul.
But, I thought we'd come so far
But I thought we would pull through.
Now my recurring dream of a marriage of souls
Under the trees in the green magical grove are squandered.
There is no happy ending.
Only lessons and baggage
That we will have to painfully extricate later.

My confusion fog is self induced. Self perpetuated. Self maintained.
Its time to bring out the big fans.
Time to blow it all away.
This cold feeling I have in the pit of my stomach is compounded by the hot burn of my heart.
Ever existant. Ever burning. Ever fluctuating.
I'll figure it out. I will. I will not however, ignore it nor myself.
As my eyelids grow heavy and my body slumps under the weight of my thoughts,
My legs still wearily push forward.
Until I find myself face down in a poppy field covered with the soft snow of sleep.
Dreaming of my life with no fog.
If only I could remember these dreams when I come to.
After a soft white feline has nuzzled me back into the land of the living.
And I can feel the clash of elements in my body once more.
No one said that working for clarity would be easy.
No one said anything about ease at all.
Perhaps that is because such a word is non existant in its literal application in this living of life

This City.

I look out across the San Diego River Valley
To some, these sights register as a beautiful portrait of metropolis.
People zipping across concrete and asphalt set to a backdrop of blue sky striped with the cottony fibers of clouds, framed by palms and cliff edges.
To me, it registers as a prison I've been trapped in for far too long.
Anything I've planted here, has gone through the same growth pattern:
Slow to sprout, quick to mature, cut off by frost or drought before it blooms.
Dead and withering it falls to the ground and is consumed by the beetles and the earthworms.
Smothered by doubt and reality.
This town has claimed far to many of my lives.
And yet I keep rising again, in this putrid place, sure to again taste the grit of defeat, the metallic burn of pain.
It is a cycle. And it cycles and cycles.
Wearing an oblong track that burns into the back of my eyes.
Everything I see must now be stained with this scarlet letter.
Everything I think passes by this mark.
I've been living in this city for far too long.
And now this city is living on me.

Halfside

Did I mention how stressed out I've been the past two weeks?
Having your "womanhood" questioned whilst you are pressed with endless papers to write, lectures to attend, work to work, and people to please can really wear on a woman's psyche.
I am not complaining about "having it hard," I would just like to state that a little mutual support from loved ones is of the utmost importance in times like these. I try to give my support. I am human, I have freak outs (lord knows hormonal imbalance can't have a positive effect on such things either). All I'm asking for is a little empathy. A little understanding. I don't want to feel like I am in this bomb shelter on my own.
I will trudge through the muck and mud that is our regrets and sorrows with or without my halfside. I will have many triumphs over evil and adversity with or without my halfside. I will live life embracing my strengths and acknowledging my weaknesses with or without my halfside.
But, how nice it would be to have somewhere safe to rest my head every night...Next to my halfside.

Vesuvius?

I made pumpkin & walnut pancakes and potatoes n' snausages this morning for the boys...I can tell they enjoyed them by the sound of the content smacking of lips resulting from the mastication of delicious foods.
I've been in an on-and-off funk the past few days. One day I am wonder woman and feel as though I can take on the world...The next I feel defeated, like my arch enemy has once again hidden kryptonite somewhere in my life to slowly suck the life from me. This ebb and flow is often not day-to-day, but even an hour-to-hour fluctuation. I have become very good at pretending to be kind and calm. My patience is under a constant barrage. I like to believe that I am a kind and calm person, but so often I feel as though a bubbling magma flow steams just beneath the surface, just begging for prime conditions to erupt in a Mt. Vesuvius display of destruction. Such is the life of a supershero.
I suppose it's a gift I have to be able in large part to manage my emotions. I've only seen Vesuvius blow twice in my life. Both were aided by intoxication and resulted in sheer destruction.
Wow, looking back now, I think I'd like to retract my previous statement. Vesuvius is not really that: Bubbly just under the surface...It's more like it is deep in my core, just a hot centered reminder of what destruction once was...I don't ever see myself erupting in a display similar to my two previous encounters any time soon. Maybe perhaps if someone hurt a loved one or something along those lines...My god, I have come a long way.
Clearly I also have a knack at cheering myself up.

New Revelations

I finally made a doctors appointment with a legitimate doctor (unlike the old Vietnamese man who would prescribe me the same antibiotic for everything...). My new doctor is a gem. I have been having very painful Moons since I've been off of birth control (+/- a year or so). So, my first appointment with her she did a pap for me on the spot and then gave me a referral to go have a pelvic ultrasound done to really check everything out. I've had many pap smears because I have always been somewhat of a hypochondriac concerning my lady parts, and always seemingly unnecessarily because nothing has ever been abnormal, or so we thought.
My ultrasound tells a different story. I have a genetic condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It seems to be fairly prevalent in North America (15-20/100 women). It means a lot of things:
My ovaries are covered in cysts.
These cysts cause irregularities in how my ovaries can produce necessary hormones. They cannot produce as much estrogen and cause an excess of the "male" hormone androgen.
This hormone imbalance has the potential to cause all sorts of negative side effects: Glucose intolerance (diabetes), infertility, acne, bouts of depression, severely painful periods (due to the tendency for cysts to burst with ovulation and menstruation).
We never caught it before because my menstrual pain was being regulated by birth control which helps to shrink the cysts...Though they will never fully go away.
I also have a uterus with a mild bicornuate configuration, in other words, my uterus is shaped like a heart. This is kind of cute, it would just cause more complications if I ever did want to get pregnant.
All of that being said, I found myself in a bought of depression after receiving this news. I have never really had a certain desire for having children. If I ever do want a child I would strongly consider adoption over pregnancy anyhow (why have more children when there is already a child out there needing your love?). But, somehow, being told that you may not even have the option is never an easy thing for a woman to hear, regardless of her reproductive desires.
I have since been trying to focus on my acceptance of this information. I think its cool that I have excess androgen...It explains my small breasts and muscular frame and why I had such severe acne as a teen (and still battle mildly with it as an adult)...and I can run faster and jump higher than the average hormonally balanced woman ;)
Perhaps I am a genetic mutation that is just begging to be a part of human evolution.
I feel as though I subconsciously knew this all along...My body was just finally able to tell me in a physical way when the mask of BC was lifted.
I go to see an endocrinologist in a few weeks. He might suggest that I go back on BC or undergo some other sort of hormone regulation...I'm not sure what I will decide to do. Perhaps there is a more natural route I can take.
But, as of right now, I am focusing on taking life day by day and accepting who I am. So far so good.


My Heart Shaped Uterus

I'm back in action! For some moths now I have been sadly computer-less...This time has come to a close and the new era of my wireless form of life has begun. This change in technology will allow me to finally word vomit whenever I feel the need to do so. Whenever my cup feels as if it is going to over flow with millions of words just bursting to break free into the firmament of my physical existence, I have to sit back, hold back, analyze. Remember. Remember that my words are precious. My words are a sound wave expression of my inner goings on, of my character and ideals. They allow me to connect with other human beings on a direct level. However, words can also create a pretense of deception. Very easily can one weave a web of deceit and negativity. While communication is helpful and necessary it is important to remember that it can hurt as easily as it can heal. Being conscience and positive is essential to your own personal growth...and you never know just how many people you may positively affect as a byproduct.

A Fresh 2009.

So it is here. 2009.
I did in fact attend Levine's intention ceremony and it was beautiful beyond words. We ended up arriving there 15-or-so minutes late so we sheepishly and silently walked in, removed our shoes, and joined the group, and a large group it was! Those in attendance were mostly in their thirties. If i had to venture a guess, I would say that I was probably the youngest one present. Luis seemed to really enjoy that he was among people of his own age group. I enjoyed the fact that I was among people who were seemingly responsible and more spiritually evolved than most of my own age group. None the less, it was intimidating for me, as it always has been, to deal with older and mostly/seemingly wiser people. Part of me is worried that I am merely following others and not creating my own path. When I think about this notion, I also wonder how else I would be able to access such spiritual findings if not with the aid of other more experienced individuals. It has become quite a conundrum in my mind and I spoke with my mother about it recently our of sheer frustration. What she had to input was even more disturbing but I can't say that I wasn't already aware of it.
"Ciarra, you have always been one to follow others." Though the situations are called by different names (quest for popularity, quest for acceptance, quest for religious meaning), they are all still the same beast wearing different masks. Disturbing isn't it? To think that all this time I have been striving to be a leader, and in that effort I have only managed to be lead. My own mother is savvy to that fact!
It is this notion that brings me back to the Intention Ceremony. Noah Levine was leading the ceremony and mentally taking us through our year: remembering the good times, the bad times, times that we should have taken action and did not, times that we should have taken action and did. All of it. I mentioned in my previous blog that I could not remember what I was doing on New Year's eve last year, well I did eventually remember: I was at a party filled with illicit drugs and alcohol at my friend Donnie's house , oh joy. What a great way to start the year. What a great way to live my life. Right. But, when Noah asked us to incrementally go through our year, I was at a complete loss. I could remember only a few very key points in my journey: My falling out with my parents; My breakup and subsequent bashing in of my face (which wasn't even in 2008!); School; My short but recent and turbulent journey with Josh; My ever changing relationship with Luis. Wow, five events. One of which I later realized wasn't even in 2008. Sitting back and looking at this list I realized that I truly do define my life through my experiences with others and I punctuate my life by its disasters. Well, it seems intention number one for 2009 is obvious: To define my own life, not to define it through others. Going hand in hand with that is determining my own self worth and creating my own happiness. Voila! I have my intentions for 2009.
After this oddly disturbing portion of our meditation with Noah, we moved on to the part where we separated into groups of two (strangers only no friend groups) and each had five minutes to tell the other about our year. I'm sure you can imagine how terrified I was to do this seeing as how I had just had an inner war just trying to remember my year in my head, let alone out loud to another human being. And here we go again with my 'name problem.' I have a terrible time remembering names, I am beginning to think that I need to carry around a small notebook to take down names and meeting places. Oh, how strange that will look! I can't remember my partner's name (though I did for at least a few days after, so, essentially I may have written it down in my journal at home), but, he and I were able to freely ramble on about our lives. I didn't focus so much on what had happened in my year and focused instead more on what this year has taught me: Being accountable and responsible for myself and my experiences, the realization that I need to create and define my own happiness and self-worth, and that I need to maintain and nurture my relationships with others (friends and family). My partner very much agreed and identified with my findings (which was neat because he was so much older than me but also scary because I hope I won't still be struggling with these things by the time I'm in my late 30's, hopefully this just means that I'm getting an early start.) He also had some interesting self-realizations involving his work situation and his art work; A constant battle between livelihood and happiness. He wants to create a positive melding of the two to which I agreed was important.
Noah rang the final bell and brought us back to the main group. Next we had to line up to light a candle and declare our intentions. Again, my hands became clammy and my heart began to race at the thought of having to stand up in this room full of adults and declare what I will be doing with my life for the next year. But, I forced myself from my seated position to stand in line behind a few others in front of me (again I was too afraid to be the first in line, as usual.) When it came to my turn, I said, out loud to all,
"My intentions for 2009 are:
To create my own happiness.
To determine my own self-worth.
To cherish and nurture my relationship with family and friends."
I lit my candle and returned to my spot on the floor. There were many intentions to hear. I think I really identified to the man who brought up his journal and read a long, long list of things he wanted to achieve in the coming year. I say this because the intentions I said out loud are only the tip of the [expletive] ice burg. I want find MY path. I want to save money. I want to travel. I want to be healthy. I want to be independent. I want to be wise. On, and on, and on like that to infinity (Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...TWICE.) I know it is a good thing to have such realizations and intentions. I can feel that it is. It is just equally as inundating and frustrating. It is something that I have to keep reminding myself is a lifetime task. This is why I am here. You don't have an 80 to 90 year life expectancy for no reason. I can see that. I just want to be damn sure that I am doing this for myself by myself. I don't want to get caught up in others' paths. I want to follow my own with a mala, a spiritual rope to connect me to the ones I love rather than connecting paths.
The last part of our ceremony was to recite the Vandana Ti-Sarana:

Vandanâ

Namô Tassa Bhagavatô Arahatô Sammâ-Sambuddhassa (3x)

Homage to the Triple Gems
Homage to Him, the Blessed One, the Exalted One, the Fully Enlightened One.

Ti-Sarana

Buddham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Dhammam Saranam Gacchâmi.
Sangham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Dutiyampi Buddham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Dutiyampi Dhammam Saranam Gacchâmi.
Dutiyampi Sangham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Tatiyampi Buddham Saranarn Gacchâmi.
Tatiyampi Dhammam Saranam Gacchâmi.
Tatiyampi Sangham Saranam Gacchâmi.

Translation: The Three Refuges

I go to the Buddha as my refuge.
I go to the Dhamma - The Teachings, as my Refuge.
I go to the Sangha - The Community, as my Refuge.
For the second time I go to the Buddha as my Refuge.
For the second time I go to the Dhamma - The Teachings, as my Refuge.
For the second time I go to the Sangha - The Community, as my Refuge.
For the third time I go to the Buddha as my Refuge.
For the third time I go to the Dhamma - The Teachings, as my Refuge.
For the third time I go to the Sangha - The Community, as my Refuge.

It was very comforting for me to hear this prayer and to be able to finally say it myself and understand what it means because this is a prayer that the monks had said at every gathering at the Laotian Buddhist temple we went to for Atip's four ceremonies. We also took the following Buddhist precepts:

Panca-sila

Pânâtipâtâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Adinnâdânâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Kâmesu Micchâcârâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Musâvâdâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Surâ Mêraya Majja Pamâdatthânâ Verami Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi

Imâni Panca Sikkhâpadâni Samâdiyâmi (3x)

Translation: The Five Precepts

I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from destroying living beings.
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from taking things not given.
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from sexual misconduct.
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from false speech.
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from liquor causing intoxication and heedlessness.
I undertake to observe the Five Precepts to the best of my ability.(3x)

I took all of these precepts but modified the last precept to fit me better: I vowed to not consume intoxicating substances to the point of heedlessness. I'm not sure if I even really needed to modify it because I have not been intoxicated in about a month, nor have I had any desire to be and the only drink I've had since early December was one hot toddy on Christmas. Not really a big deal. I don't like how being drunk makes me feel. It affects my speech and my ability to reason and without those abilities it leaves me feeling dumb and vulnerable. Neither of which are qualities that I enjoy. I feel the same way about smoking weed. To me, both weed and alcohol dull your senses and make it possible to "glide" numbly through life. This numbness is effective against feeling certain kinds of pain and uneasiness, but it is also effective in blocking out learning possibilities and opportunities to really feel positive things too. This makes me think of a lot of my friends. Many of them decide to be drunk or stoned for most of their free time, and some even more than that. It is difficult for me to connect with them because of this haze they constantly put themselves in. I find that I have the most meaningful and connective conversations with people when we are both of sober mind in every sense. Without the affects of drugs and/or alcohol, I am able to truly connect with people and not just form superficial connections based on intoxication. When you take the veil away, will you really like all that you see and experience? No, of course not. And that is why most of us consume these substances the way we do. And that is why I have chosen to, if not completely eliminate, to severely restrict my own intake of such things. I am not interested in false comfort, false happiness. I choose to take the more difficult and real way to find my happiness and comfort. So, yes, maybe I'll have a glass of wine with dinner. But I want to have it to enjoy only the flavor, and not to have to to be able to enjoy my friends company. No one should need drugs or alcohol to be able to enjoy their friends. That's just superficial and lacking of real connection.

I really think that I am making some headway here. I just hope that I can truly begin to lead my own life. For this reason, I am very glad to be doing my Vision Quest in February. I have been attending monthly sweat lodges with a Shaman named Hawk that hails from Lakota ancestry. The lodge's have been held at Madre Grande Monastery in Dulzura. This was the same site for Corey's One Project. With these sweats (there will be a total of four before I go on Vision Quest), I am preparing not only for my Quest, but, also to gain the strength and understanding to be able to follow my path. I want to write more on my experience with the Lodges and my comming Vision Quest so I will post something about it when I get another few hours to truly sit down with it (my computer screen eyes are kicking in).

All in all, the ceremony we attended on New Year's eve was very productive and felt very good. After the ceremony Luis, Corey, Matt and I drove around Hollywood looking for a good place to eat. Just when we thought all hope was lost after parking and walking down Sunset Boulevard, we came upon Mel's Diner, an old fashioned 50's style drive-in joint. Ah ho! What luck! Shakes and cola for all! We ended up getting home at around 4 a.m. after driving back to PB to pick up Luis's truck, picking up Nexus from work at the Kava Lounge, and heading back to Luis's house where Corey and Matt were already home waiting. We sat and talked for an hour or so and I finally gave in and went to bed.

After all of the past and pending excitement, I think I will really be able to see where I am headed. And if I don't, I know that I at least will be able to have the strength to keep on truckin' in the right direction.

The key to inspiration is aspiration.
May I be my own inspiration so that I may inspire others.

Namaste, God bless, God's speed, Goodluck, Cheers.