Intention

Paper vs broadcast
Current mood: calm

Let's just be honest shall we? I have no idea how to say what I really want to say. To accurately convey my feelings and thought processes seems a task worthy of the gods in its difficulty. I guess I'll begin by sharing with you my latest mantra: My worth and confidence is self-determined. Seems simple enough right? Well, try chanting that every time you begin to feel sad or angry over something that someone has (or hasn't) done. I think you'll find that it will help you to realize that you are in fact leaving your self-worth and/or happiness or lack there of, to be determined by forces other than your own. This realization is one thing, but, perhaps the most difficult step is the next: To put that mantra into action.
I don't think living your life completely unaffected by others is 100% possible, but I do believe that if I can just start off by living my life being unaffected 75% of the time, and actually master this 75%, that the other 25% will come more naturally. I am the biggest culprit of demeaning myself over the actions of others. I have however, had moments of clarity where I am able to empower myself and focus only on me and my self-worth. But, those moments never seem to stick to everyday life due to my lack of effort to keep them there.
The people in my life are very near and dear to me. Friends. Family. Things that no human being wants to be without. I must remind myself that as much as I care for these people, they have no bearing on who my spirit is and how worthy I am of myself and living the life I have been granted. Some of those whom I hold dear may come and go. I have no control over that. I may let it sadden me for a time, but, then I must always pick up again and keep moving forward. There are a certain few in my life whose hands I hold more tightly, for I learn so much from them, care for them and would be so hurt to see them go. But, even these select few I must acknowledge have life paths of their own, and sometimes those paths take you away from each other. I, in my heart of hearts, hope that even though paths may split, that there is a mala that connects us to each other despite what our spiritual distance may be until those paths align again. Perhaps separate paths never do truly align, but rely on their mala to keep them spiritually connected as it does for Bhikkhus in prayer.
I believe that we all have the same ultimate goal: To extinguish fear, craving, hate, aversion and delusion. However, I have also come to find that it is disturbingly, yet not surprisingly, difficult to find people who actively strive to expel this negativism from their lives. Shouldn't everyone want to achieve this? Some of us are less aware or enlightened than others. This is why I am truly thankful for my friends who share similar goals regardless their location along their path to their self enlightenment. This is a long and difficult road for all of us. I feel so blessed and grateful to be able share my journey with people who's light burns so brightly. It serves as a reminder to continue my work.