Did I mention how stressed out I've been the past two weeks?
Having your "womanhood" questioned whilst you are pressed with endless papers to write, lectures to attend, work to work, and people to please can really wear on a woman's psyche.
I am not complaining about "having it hard," I would just like to state that a little mutual support from loved ones is of the utmost importance in times like these. I try to give my support. I am human, I have freak outs (lord knows hormonal imbalance can't have a positive effect on such things either). All I'm asking for is a little empathy. A little understanding. I don't want to feel like I am in this bomb shelter on my own.
I will trudge through the muck and mud that is our regrets and sorrows with or without my halfside. I will have many triumphs over evil and adversity with or without my halfside. I will live life embracing my strengths and acknowledging my weaknesses with or without my halfside.
But, how nice it would be to have somewhere safe to rest my head every night...Next to my halfside.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Vesuvius?
I made pumpkin & walnut pancakes and potatoes n' snausages this morning for the boys...I can tell they enjoyed them by the sound of the content smacking of lips resulting from the mastication of delicious foods.
I've been in an on-and-off funk the past few days. One day I am wonder woman and feel as though I can take on the world...The next I feel defeated, like my arch enemy has once again hidden kryptonite somewhere in my life to slowly suck the life from me. This ebb and flow is often not day-to-day, but even an hour-to-hour fluctuation. I have become very good at pretending to be kind and calm. My patience is under a constant barrage. I like to believe that I am a kind and calm person, but so often I feel as though a bubbling magma flow steams just beneath the surface, just begging for prime conditions to erupt in a Mt. Vesuvius display of destruction. Such is the life of a supershero.
I suppose it's a gift I have to be able in large part to manage my emotions. I've only seen Vesuvius blow twice in my life. Both were aided by intoxication and resulted in sheer destruction.
Wow, looking back now, I think I'd like to retract my previous statement. Vesuvius is not really that: Bubbly just under the surface...It's more like it is deep in my core, just a hot centered reminder of what destruction once was...I don't ever see myself erupting in a display similar to my two previous encounters any time soon. Maybe perhaps if someone hurt a loved one or something along those lines...My god, I have come a long way.
Clearly I also have a knack at cheering myself up.
I've been in an on-and-off funk the past few days. One day I am wonder woman and feel as though I can take on the world...The next I feel defeated, like my arch enemy has once again hidden kryptonite somewhere in my life to slowly suck the life from me. This ebb and flow is often not day-to-day, but even an hour-to-hour fluctuation. I have become very good at pretending to be kind and calm. My patience is under a constant barrage. I like to believe that I am a kind and calm person, but so often I feel as though a bubbling magma flow steams just beneath the surface, just begging for prime conditions to erupt in a Mt. Vesuvius display of destruction. Such is the life of a supershero.
I suppose it's a gift I have to be able in large part to manage my emotions. I've only seen Vesuvius blow twice in my life. Both were aided by intoxication and resulted in sheer destruction.
Wow, looking back now, I think I'd like to retract my previous statement. Vesuvius is not really that: Bubbly just under the surface...It's more like it is deep in my core, just a hot centered reminder of what destruction once was...I don't ever see myself erupting in a display similar to my two previous encounters any time soon. Maybe perhaps if someone hurt a loved one or something along those lines...My god, I have come a long way.
Clearly I also have a knack at cheering myself up.
Monday, October 19, 2009
New Revelations
I finally made a doctors appointment with a legitimate doctor (unlike the old Vietnamese man who would prescribe me the same antibiotic for everything...). My new doctor is a gem. I have been having very painful Moons since I've been off of birth control (+/- a year or so). So, my first appointment with her she did a pap for me on the spot and then gave me a referral to go have a pelvic ultrasound done to really check everything out. I've had many pap smears because I have always been somewhat of a hypochondriac concerning my lady parts, and always seemingly unnecessarily because nothing has ever been abnormal, or so we thought.
My ultrasound tells a different story. I have a genetic condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It seems to be fairly prevalent in North America (15-20/100 women). It means a lot of things:
My ovaries are covered in cysts.
These cysts cause irregularities in how my ovaries can produce necessary hormones. They cannot produce as much estrogen and cause an excess of the "male" hormone androgen.
This hormone imbalance has the potential to cause all sorts of negative side effects: Glucose intolerance (diabetes), infertility, acne, bouts of depression, severely painful periods (due to the tendency for cysts to burst with ovulation and menstruation).
We never caught it before because my menstrual pain was being regulated by birth control which helps to shrink the cysts...Though they will never fully go away.
I also have a uterus with a mild bicornuate configuration, in other words, my uterus is shaped like a heart. This is kind of cute, it would just cause more complications if I ever did want to get pregnant.
All of that being said, I found myself in a bought of depression after receiving this news. I have never really had a certain desire for having children. If I ever do want a child I would strongly consider adoption over pregnancy anyhow (why have more children when there is already a child out there needing your love?). But, somehow, being told that you may not even have the option is never an easy thing for a woman to hear, regardless of her reproductive desires.
I have since been trying to focus on my acceptance of this information. I think its cool that I have excess androgen...It explains my small breasts and muscular frame and why I had such severe acne as a teen (and still battle mildly with it as an adult)...and I can run faster and jump higher than the average hormonally balanced woman ;)
Perhaps I am a genetic mutation that is just begging to be a part of human evolution.
I feel as though I subconsciously knew this all along...My body was just finally able to tell me in a physical way when the mask of BC was lifted.
I go to see an endocrinologist in a few weeks. He might suggest that I go back on BC or undergo some other sort of hormone regulation...I'm not sure what I will decide to do. Perhaps there is a more natural route I can take.
But, as of right now, I am focusing on taking life day by day and accepting who I am. So far so good.
My Heart Shaped Uterus
My ultrasound tells a different story. I have a genetic condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It seems to be fairly prevalent in North America (15-20/100 women). It means a lot of things:
My ovaries are covered in cysts.
These cysts cause irregularities in how my ovaries can produce necessary hormones. They cannot produce as much estrogen and cause an excess of the "male" hormone androgen.
This hormone imbalance has the potential to cause all sorts of negative side effects: Glucose intolerance (diabetes), infertility, acne, bouts of depression, severely painful periods (due to the tendency for cysts to burst with ovulation and menstruation).
We never caught it before because my menstrual pain was being regulated by birth control which helps to shrink the cysts...Though they will never fully go away.
I also have a uterus with a mild bicornuate configuration, in other words, my uterus is shaped like a heart. This is kind of cute, it would just cause more complications if I ever did want to get pregnant.
All of that being said, I found myself in a bought of depression after receiving this news. I have never really had a certain desire for having children. If I ever do want a child I would strongly consider adoption over pregnancy anyhow (why have more children when there is already a child out there needing your love?). But, somehow, being told that you may not even have the option is never an easy thing for a woman to hear, regardless of her reproductive desires.
I have since been trying to focus on my acceptance of this information. I think its cool that I have excess androgen...It explains my small breasts and muscular frame and why I had such severe acne as a teen (and still battle mildly with it as an adult)...and I can run faster and jump higher than the average hormonally balanced woman ;)
Perhaps I am a genetic mutation that is just begging to be a part of human evolution.
I feel as though I subconsciously knew this all along...My body was just finally able to tell me in a physical way when the mask of BC was lifted.
I go to see an endocrinologist in a few weeks. He might suggest that I go back on BC or undergo some other sort of hormone regulation...I'm not sure what I will decide to do. Perhaps there is a more natural route I can take.
But, as of right now, I am focusing on taking life day by day and accepting who I am. So far so good.
My Heart Shaped Uterus
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