I did in fact attend Levine's intention ceremony and it was beautiful beyond words. We ended up arriving there 15-or-so minutes late so we sheepishly and silently walked in, removed our shoes, and joined the group, and a large group it was! Those in attendance were mostly in their thirties. If i had to venture a guess, I would say that I was probably the youngest one present. Luis seemed to really enjoy that he was among people of his own age group. I enjoyed the fact that I was among people who were seemingly responsible and more spiritually evolved than most of my own age group. None the less, it was intimidating for me, as it always has been, to deal with older and mostly/seemingly wiser people. Part of me is worried that I am merely following others and not creating my own path. When I think about this notion, I also wonder how else I would be able to access such spiritual findings if not with the aid of other more experienced individuals. It has become quite a conundrum in my mind and I spoke with my mother about it recently our of sheer frustration. What she had to input was even more disturbing but I can't say that I wasn't already aware of it.
"Ciarra, you have always been one to follow others." Though the situations are called by different names (quest for popularity, quest for acceptance, quest for religious meaning), they are all still the same beast wearing different masks. Disturbing isn't it? To think that all this time I have been striving to be a leader, and in that effort I have only managed to be lead. My own mother is savvy to that fact!
It is this notion that brings me back to the Intention Ceremony. Noah Levine was leading the ceremony and mentally taking us through our year: remembering the good times, the bad times, times that we should have taken action and did not, times that we should have taken action and did. All of it. I mentioned in my previous blog that I could not remember what I was doing on New Year's eve last year, well I did eventually remember: I was at a party filled with illicit drugs and alcohol at my friend Donnie's house , oh joy. What a great way to start the year. What a great way to live my life. Right. But, when Noah asked us to incrementally go through our year, I was at a complete loss. I could remember only a few very key points in my journey: My falling out with my parents; My breakup and subsequent bashing in of my face (which wasn't even in 2008!); School; My short but recent and turbulent journey with Josh; My ever changing relationship with Luis. Wow, five events. One of which I later realized wasn't even in 2008. Sitting back and looking at this list I realized that I truly do define my life through my experiences with others and I punctuate my life by its disasters. Well, it seems intention number one for 2009 is obvious: To define my own life, not to define it through others. Going hand in hand with that is determining my own self worth and creating my own happiness. Voila! I have my intentions for 2009.
After this oddly disturbing portion of our meditation with Noah, we moved on to the part where we separated into groups of two (strangers only no friend groups) and each had five minutes to tell the other about our year. I'm sure you can imagine how terrified I was to do this seeing as how I had just had an inner war just trying to remember my year in my head, let alone out loud to another human being. And here we go again with my 'name problem.' I have a terrible time remembering names, I am beginning to think that I need to carry around a small notebook to take down names and meeting places. Oh, how strange that will look! I can't remember my partner's name (though I did for at least a few days after, so, essentially I may have written it down in my journal at home), but, he and I were able to freely ramble on about our lives. I didn't focus so much on what had happened in my year and focused instead more on what this year has taught me: Being accountable and responsible for myself and my experiences, the realization that I need to create and define my own happiness and self-worth, and that I need to maintain and nurture my relationships with others (friends and family). My partner very much agreed and identified with my findings (which was neat because he was so much older than me but also scary because I hope I won't still be struggling with these things by the time I'm in my late 30's, hopefully this just means that I'm getting an early start.) He also had some interesting self-realizations involving his work situation and his art work; A constant battle between livelihood and happiness. He wants to create a positive melding of the two to which I agreed was important.
Noah rang the final bell and brought us back to the main group. Next we had to line up to light a candle and declare our intentions. Again, my hands became clammy and my heart began to race at the thought of having to stand up in this room full of adults and declare what I will be doing with my life for the next year. But, I forced myself from my seated position to stand in line behind a few others in front of me (again I was too afraid to be the first in line, as usual.) When it came to my turn, I said, out loud to all,
"My intentions for 2009 are:
To create my own happiness.
To determine my own self-worth.
To cherish and nurture my relationship with family and friends."
I lit my candle and returned to my spot on the floor. There were many intentions to hear. I think I really identified to the man who brought up his journal and read a long, long list of things he wanted to achieve in the coming year. I say this because the intentions I said out loud are only the tip of the [expletive] ice burg. I want find MY path. I want to save money. I want to travel. I want to be healthy. I want to be independent. I want to be wise. On, and on, and on like that to infinity (Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...TWICE.) I know it is a good thing to have such realizations and intentions. I can feel that it is. It is just equally as inundating and frustrating. It is something that I have to keep reminding myself is a lifetime task. This is why I am here. You don't have an 80 to 90 year life expectancy for no reason. I can see that. I just want to be damn sure that I am doing this for myself by myself. I don't want to get caught up in others' paths. I want to follow my own with a mala, a spiritual rope to connect me to the ones I love rather than connecting paths.
The last part of our ceremony was to recite the Vandana Ti-Sarana:
Vandanâ
Namô Tassa Bhagavatô Arahatô Sammâ-Sambuddhassa (3x)
Homage to the Triple Gems
Homage to Him, the Blessed One, the Exalted One, the Fully Enlightened One.
Ti-Sarana
Buddham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Dhammam Saranam Gacchâmi.
Sangham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Dutiyampi Buddham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Dutiyampi Dhammam Saranam Gacchâmi.
Dutiyampi Sangham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Tatiyampi Buddham Saranarn Gacchâmi.
Tatiyampi Dhammam Saranam Gacchâmi.
Tatiyampi Sangham Saranam Gacchâmi.
Translation: The Three Refuges
I go to the Buddha as my refuge.
I go to the Dhamma - The Teachings, as my Refuge.
I go to the Sangha - The Community, as my Refuge.
For the second time I go to the Buddha as my Refuge.
For the second time I go to the Dhamma - The Teachings, as my Refuge.
For the second time I go to the Sangha - The Community, as my Refuge.
For the third time I go to the Buddha as my Refuge.
For the third time I go to the Dhamma - The Teachings, as my Refuge.
For the third time I go to the Sangha - The Community, as my Refuge.
It was very comforting for me to hear this prayer and to be able to finally say it myself and understand what it means because this is a prayer that the monks had said at every gathering at the Laotian Buddhist temple we went to for Atip's four ceremonies. We also took the following Buddhist precepts:
Panca-sila
Pânâtipâtâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Adinnâdânâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Kâmesu Micchâcârâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Musâvâdâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Surâ Mêraya Majja Pamâdatthânâ Verami Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi
Imâni Panca Sikkhâpadâni Samâdiyâmi (3x)
Translation: The Five Precepts
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from destroying living beings.
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from taking things not given.
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from sexual misconduct.
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from false speech.
I undertake to observe the precept to abstain from liquor causing intoxication and heedlessness.
I undertake to observe the Five Precepts to the best of my ability.(3x)
I took all of these precepts but modified the last precept to fit me better: I vowed to not consume intoxicating substances to the point of heedlessness. I'm not sure if I even really needed to modify it because I have not been intoxicated in about a month, nor have I had any desire to be and the only drink I've had since early December was one hot toddy on Christmas. Not really a big deal. I don't like how being drunk makes me feel. It affects my speech and my ability to reason and without those abilities it leaves me feeling dumb and vulnerable. Neither of which are qualities that I enjoy. I feel the same way about smoking weed. To me, both weed and alcohol dull your senses and make it possible to "glide" numbly through life. This numbness is effective against feeling certain kinds of pain and uneasiness, but it is also effective in blocking out learning possibilities and opportunities to really feel positive things too. This makes me think of a lot of my friends. Many of them decide to be drunk or stoned for most of their free time, and some even more than that. It is difficult for me to connect with them because of this haze they constantly put themselves in. I find that I have the most meaningful and connective conversations with people when we are both of sober mind in every sense. Without the affects of drugs and/or alcohol, I am able to truly connect with people and not just form superficial connections based on intoxication. When you take the veil away, will you really like all that you see and experience? No, of course not. And that is why most of us consume these substances the way we do. And that is why I have chosen to, if not completely eliminate, to severely restrict my own intake of such things. I am not interested in false comfort, false happiness. I choose to take the more difficult and real way to find my happiness and comfort. So, yes, maybe I'll have a glass of wine with dinner. But I want to have it to enjoy only the flavor, and not to have to to be able to enjoy my friends company. No one should need drugs or alcohol to be able to enjoy their friends. That's just superficial and lacking of real connection.
I really think that I am making some headway here. I just hope that I can truly begin to lead my own life. For this reason, I am very glad to be doing my Vision Quest in February. I have been attending monthly sweat lodges with a Shaman named Hawk that hails from Lakota ancestry. The lodge's have been held at Madre Grande Monastery in Dulzura. This was the same site for Corey's One Project. With these sweats (there will be a total of four before I go on Vision Quest), I am preparing not only for my Quest, but, also to gain the strength and understanding to be able to follow my path. I want to write more on my experience with the Lodges and my comming Vision Quest so I will post something about it when I get another few hours to truly sit down with it (my computer screen eyes are kicking in).
All in all, the ceremony we attended on New Year's eve was very productive and felt very good. After the ceremony Luis, Corey, Matt and I drove around Hollywood looking for a good place to eat. Just when we thought all hope was lost after parking and walking down Sunset Boulevard, we came upon Mel's Diner, an old fashioned 50's style drive-in joint. Ah ho! What luck! Shakes and cola for all! We ended up getting home at around 4 a.m. after driving back to PB to pick up Luis's truck, picking up Nexus from work at the Kava Lounge, and heading back to Luis's house where Corey and Matt were already home waiting. We sat and talked for an hour or so and I finally gave in and went to bed.
After all of the past and pending excitement, I think I will really be able to see where I am headed. And if I don't, I know that I at least will be able to have the strength to keep on truckin' in the right direction.
The key to inspiration is aspiration.
May I be my own inspiration so that I may inspire others.
Namaste, God bless, God's speed, Goodluck, Cheers.
